How Bias Influences The Work (My Prejudice Against Divorce)

The highway is busy but traffic is moving at a steady pace. It’s a beautiful afternoon. The sun is shining, and you keep catching glimpses of the ocean as you drive along.

Suddenly, your steering wheel starts pulling towards the left. It starts out as a small tug, but the pull keeps getting stronger. Slowing the car, you do your best to direct it to the shoulder of the road. With a bit of effort you manage to stop the car completely before it causes an accident.

It Is Almost Impossible To Drive If Your Steering Wheel Pulls Left Or Right

And it’s almost impossible to do The Work if your mind is pulling left or right while holding onto a particular bias. Take, for example, what happened to me a few weeks ago.

A client had been dealing with marriage issues.

She was experiencing stress. And she wanted to use The Work to identify the stressful thoughts around this topic and question them. Her interest was peace of mind. A perfect way to approach The Work.

But As A Facilitator I Came To The Table With A Bias

My steering wheel was pulling to the left. Deep down I believed that divorce was bad–to be avoided at all costs.

I remembered my parents divorce when I was 15, and how it affected my life. I have blamed that divorce for so many of my miseries in life.

And This Influenced My Ability To Facilitate

My hidden motive was to keep my client together with her husband. I wanted to use The Work to heal their relationship, instead of allowing my client to simply explore her own truth. In other words, I was not very open to the possibility of divorce.

This influenced what I encouraged her to work on. I encouraged her to write Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheets on her husband to the exclusion of doing The Work on her fears of divorce.

In reality, both things were issues for her, and she was willing to do The Work on both. But I kept her work restricted because of my own issues.

That Is, Until I Realized What Was Going On

When I saw it, I realized that my beliefs were holding her back. I was not allowing her to step fearlessly into any corner that held stress for her. I was not allowing her to question all of her fearful beliefs.

For her, the repercussions of divorce were scary. And these scary thoughts would have been perfect candidates for The Work. But I discouraged her from questioning her fears about divorce. I was probably more scared of divorce than she was. Instead, I kept her work focused on other stressful thoughts about her husband.

When I saw this, I turned the tables and invited her to facilitate me on my parent’s divorce. This was powerful for me. And it has started an ongoing investigation on my parent’s divorce, and divorce in general, using The Work.

Gradually, I Am Finding How My Parent’s Divorce Was Good For Me

For example, I had a very happy last two years of high school after my parent’s divorce. I’ve always overlooked that. Also, the divorce was very helpful for me to keep searching and growing spiritually.

These are just a couple examples of how the divorce was actually good for me. And I want to take it further. I want to look at how divorce is not necessarily a bad thing in general.

One Of My Living Turnarounds Is To Find Examples Of How Divorce Has Actually Helped Different Families

So I’m asking you to send your examples. Do you know a family that was helped by divorce? Do you have examples of real benefits that came out of a divorce? I want to hear them. Please reply to this email, or post your comments on the blog.

For Me This Is Like Adjusting My Steering Wheel

When my mind pulls away from divorce, I cannot drive straight down the road. The examples of how divorce can be a good thing provide counterbalance to my biased steering wheel.

They help me get back on the road again.

This not only helps me, but helps my clients to trust their own process. It helps them to trust their own stressful thoughts to lead them to exactly what they need to work, without my interference.

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