Self-Compassion Comes From Seeing a Bigger Perspective
I can’t have self-compassion when my thinking is small. If I’m attached to getting what I want, my mind is riveted to one small outcome. And if I don’t get it, I’m upset.
How do I react? I attack anyone and anything that is getting in the way. Including myself. Self-compassion is not possible when I’m attacking myself.
So how do you find self-compassion when you’re in the middle of self-attack?
Self-Compassion Starts By Listening
For me, that means writing down all my stressful thoughts. Getting them out onto paper. I feel safe to rant and rave onto paper. It’s not going to hurt anyone. And it gets it off my chest.
I feel listened to when I do this. Like it’s OK to have all these thoughts. “Let’s get them down. I want to consider each one of them.” This is the beginning of self-compassion.
But that’s just the first stage. Getting those thoughts out is not enough for me. I like to really inquire into the truth of each thing I wrote. I like to take self-compassion to the next level.
I Use The Four Questions and Turnarounds of The Work of Byron Katie for This
I love this simple system of self-inquiry. First I identify a stressful thought like, “I made a mistake.” Then, I question it using the four questions and turnarounds of The Work.
For example, I felt that I made a mistake while facilitating a client the other day. I started leading my client during inquiry and I felt ashamed for doing it. I judged myself harshly.
So I can question, “I made a mistake,” with the four questions and turnarounds of The Work as follows.
I made a mistake.
1. Is it true?
yes
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true?
yes
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I feel ashamed and embarrassed. My skin gets hot. I try to push the thought away. I justify that what I did was okay. I feel defensive. I lose confidence. I think less of myself. I want to hide.
4. Who would you be without that thought?
I would not feel stressed at all. No self-attack. I notice where I was leading my client and I adjust for next time. I’m looking forward to next time to try it again.
Turnaround: “I didn’t make a mistake.” Could that be as true, or truer?
1. Yes, it is true. I didn’t make a mistake. I just became aware of something that didn’t work for me about my facilitation. That is actually very helpful for me to keep improving my game.
2. Also, I didn’t set out to mess it up. It just happened. Even though I’m still responsible for what I did, I can find an innocence there as well. Considering what I was thinking and believing at the time, I had no choice but to “fumble” in this way. I believed she needed my help. Believing that, I had to lead her.
And that leads me to more inquiry.
The Root of My Mistake Was Also A Belief
So instead of stopping with my inquiry on “I made a mistake,” I can take it further. I can question, “She needed my help.” Because that’s what I was believing that caused me to start leading her and putting words in her mouth in the first place.
So I repeat the same process again.
She needs my help.
1. Is it true?
yes
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true?
no
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I step in. I interrupt her process. I put words in her mouth. I don’t listen as closely to what she is saying. I look slightly down on her. I lead her away from her own inquiry. I start taking over. And then I attack myself for doing all this.
4. Who would you be without that thought?
I would give her more space. I would truly listen. It feels like respect inside me for her. My heart feels open. I’m curious what she will find.
Turnaround: I need my help.
1. Yes, I need my help staying in my own business, while holding the space for my client. If all my attention was on that, I could serve her better while she does her work.
Turnaround: I need her help.
1. I often am surprised at the wisdom that comes from my clients’ mouths. The more I simply hold the space, the more I get to learn from my clients.
2. And, yes, I need her help. She has to find her own answers. I can’t do her work for her. Because my answers are not going to touch her in the same way as what she discovers herself.
Turnaround: She doesn’t need my help.
1. Her answers are the ones that will help her the most.
2. She hasn’t asked me for my help yet. I just butted in.
3. Her long silences are as much a part of this process of inquiry as anything she says. In fact, my interruptions are disturbing this process of self-inquiry for her.
4. It’s not the end of the world even if she doesn’t find any satisfying answers. She doesn’t need my help.
5. My helping her could end up making her dependent on me. The opposite of what true self-inquiry accomplishes.
What Happens When I Go Through This Process?
As I go through this, what I notice is an expansion of my heart. I’m no longer blaming myself for making a mistake. Instead, I am owning what I did fully. And I’m now seeing more clearly my new direction: the value of not helping her, but rather holding the space for her to help herself.
This feels like the dawning of self-compassion. First of all, I listened to myself and wrote down my stressful thoughts. Then I questioned my self-attacking thought and found my innocence. And finally, I questioned the limiting belief that caused the “mistake” in the first place. In fact, there may be other limiting beliefs I could question: “I want her to have a good experience with me. I want her to like me as a facilitator.” Each of these could be questioned in the same way.
This kind of questioning leads to expansion of consciousness, in my experience. And as my perspective expands, I move from self-attack to self-compassion spontaneously. That’s why I love The Work of Byron Katie.
If you want to learn more about The Work and try it yourself, you might enjoy my three-week online course called The Work 101.
Have a great week,
Todd
“When the mind has seen that it doesn’t know what it was so sure of, it begins to unravel, the knots relax and begin to untie themselves.” Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy
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