The Work Is All About Awareness
As Byron Katie often says, “The Work is about noticing the difference between what hurts and what doesn’t.” And she often adds that it is about noticing internal cause and effect.
When I believe a particular thought, it hurts. When I don’t, it doesn’t hurt. So it’s not the world that is causing my pain, it is my thought about the world that is causing it.
The four questions and turnarounds of The Work are simply a way to notice this. The more I do The Work, the more I notice that I am the one who causes my pain. And I am the one who can stop it. I’m totally in control.
The Cool Thing Is That This Noticing Becomes A Habit
I don’t have to do The Work all the time in order to notice. The four questions and turnarounds are the formal practice. And they can pull me out of the pain when I fall into it.
But the more I do it, the less I fall into the pain. Because I remember what I discover when I do The Work.
For Example, The Other Night I Started Getting Triggered
It was a Sunday evening, and I was upstairs working on my computer. I was already feeling a little guilty about it since this is normally time my partner and I spend together relaxing.
As soon as my partner called up to me asking, “What are you doing?” I started getting defensive. And I watched the beginnings of an anger reaction.
But due to many previous worksheets I’ve worked on him in similar situations, I had some awareness, even in the moment, that I was in control of how far my suffering would go.
What Happened Was A Kind of Spontaneous Discrediting of My Stressful Thoughts
It sounded something like this.
First my defense, “I’ve been behind for a couple of weeks. I need to catch up.” Followed by, “That’s not really valid. It’s only been a week. And I’ll get caught up in the next couple of days even if I don’t do it tonight.” My defense was not so solid.
Then my mind turned to finding fault with him, “He only finds the flaw. That’s what’s wrong with him. I can never do it perfectly enough for him.” And I started looking through my archive of past events to bolster my position.
But I noticed as soon as I started attacking him in my mind, my chest began to tighten. This is a common reaction that I’ve discovered many times in question 3 of The Work, “How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought.”
So Here It Was Happening In The Moment
And that awareness was enough. I saw that I had a choice. I could keep looking for proof that he was wrong and out of place for “telling me what to do,” and watch the pain descend on me. Or I could bypass it and simply shut down my computer and go join him in the living room.
That’s what I did. And my mind grumbled a bit more even in the living room, but I was aware of it. Each time my mind started attacking him, I saw the connection to my own misery. And within a few minutes, I dropped the whole thing with no stress, enjoyed the rest of the evening, and slept like a baby.
That would have been a three-day “cold war” for me ten years ago. But this time, it was hardly a blip. That’s the value of increasing awareness through doing The Work. I just keep catching myself earlier and earlier so I don’t have to hurt.
Have a great weekend,
Todd
“Shortly after Katie got back from the halfway house, her home began to fill with people who had heard about her and had come to learn. She was able to communicate her inner inquiry in the form of specific questions that anyone who wanted freedom could apply on his own, without her. Soon she began to be invited to meet with small gatherings in people’s living rooms. Her hosts often asked her if she was “enlightened.” She would answer, “I’m just someone who knows the difference between what hurts and what doesn’t.” Loving What Is
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