Exploring Perfectionism

Perfectionism has always been an interesting subject for me because I am a bit of a perfectionist. I’d love to present a perfect thesis on the subject here, but that thesis has yet to be discovered.

Instead, I offer you some half-cooked thoughts about perfectionism as a starting point for your own exploration. In fact, to present a work in progress as I am doing here is a turnaround for my perfectionistic tendencies. It actually feels quite freeing to share my unpolished thoughts.

So here we go.

What Is the Difference Between Perfection and Perfectionism?

I love discovering elements of perfection in life, such as the perfect beauty of the viola flowers and the ladybug in the photo I took years ago. So often, as I explore the world, I find that certain things bring me great joy, whether by their beauty, efficiency, elegance, or effectiveness.

These are like discovering laws of nature. They are jewel-like. They are optimal. They are attractive. And because seeing this perfection brings joy, I get attached to that kind of perfection. Those amazing elements of life become “good” and everything else becomes “not good enough.”

This also applies to my own efforts. When I “accomplish” something that I deem to be good, or perfect, I am happy. When I “fail” to accomplish this, I am unhappy. And while I’m in the process of doing something good, I am tense, not knowing if I will succeed or not.

Perfectionism Seems to Rest in My Attachment to Good Things

I have divided the world into good and bad and I want to be part of the good and the perfect. More realistically, I have divided the world into the 1% which is perfect, and the 99% which is not good enough. This is a desperate state of affairs because it means that I can only relax when that small percentage of life which is jewel-like appears.

So perfectionism for me is my attachment to what I consider good, best, and amazing. This gives an angle for doing The Work. If I question my thinking that “this is good, or ideal” in any situation, I can expand from there and explore the opposite idea that “not having this is also good, even ideal.”

It’s a matter of redefining good, or perfect. If I can see how not getting what I want is as good as getting what I want, I’m free. If I can find that every stage of life is good, there is much less attachment to one particular, idealized stage. Everything is born, grows, and dies. Why would youth be considered the only perfect state? Can I see the perfection in death itself? That kind of opening of the mind could be amazing.

So takeaway #1 from this line of reasoning is this: if I want to do The Work on perfectionism, let me identify what I am attached to (some idealized good) and let me question my thought, “I want that,” or “I need that.” Or question, “That is good, or best,” and “This is not good enough.”

There’s a Certain Laziness in Perfectionism

Another thing I notice about perfectionism is that my motive is often to do something perfectly so that I never have to do it again. This is not a bad thing in itself, but I get attached to this idea too. Then it becomes perfectionism.

I pile a lot of value of “doing it right” because I believe that doing it right will finally liberate me from all doing in that area. The thoughts I could question in this regard would be, “I want to be done with this,” and “I can’t relax until it’s done,” and “If I do this perfectly, I won’t have to do it again,” and “I don’t like doing this.”

That last sentence is a really cool one because the implication of perfectionism is that the goal is better than the process. Who would I be without that story? If I do something because I love to do it, then who cares if it reaches some endpoint or not? There is a lot of freedom in that.

So let me question, “I just want the goal. I don’t like taking the steps.” And turn it around to, “I just like taking the steps. I don’t want the goal.”

Perfectionism As An Attempt to Control Others

There is inherent joy in doing things well. But if I feel like I must do things well, then there is inherent pressure too. How does a natural (unstressed) desire to do something well become a stressed attachment to doing it well?

For me, there is often a deeper motive at play. Often, I don’t just want to do something well, I want to do something well so that I gain the respect of someone else. And more importantly, I want to do something well to avoid someone’s criticism or disapproval.

These are powerful movers in my mind and emotions. When they are at play, doing a good job at something is just a means to an end: getting approval or avoiding disapproval. This is what creates the push inside me to do something perfectly.

Avoiding Disapproval Is the Most Important Part

If my motive for doing something well is to get approval, I will certainly feel pressure to do it well. I am no longer doing it for fun. I have something to prove. But if my motive is to avoid disapproval, then it becomes true perfectionism in the worst sense of the word.

To avoid disapproval requires that there are ZERO flaws in my work. And it must be seen as having zero flaws from every side. I have to spend a lot of time imagining how the other person, or people, would see it, and making sure it will look perfect to him or her.

This becomes even harder if I am trying to please a group of people. Now, I have to think of every possible objection and every possible need—and do the job so that it offends no one and pleases everyone—literally an impossible task.

Doing The Work on Disapproval

I think this is the core of it, as far as I can see right now. What makes perfectionism toxic is this constant need to do the impossible, to always please everyone. And I say everyone because even one negative remark can destroy everything for a perfectionist. This requires hypervigilance and tireless work. And even if you are doing good work, you are never secure. A thousand likes mean nothing if there is one dislike.

To do The Work on this is straightforward. I can simply write a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on the person whose disapproval I fear. On the worksheet, I write my wants and needs about that person. And when I question them, I may see through some of my attachments to pleasing them.

Ironically, perfectionism at its core has little to do with doing a good job, or being a good person, or having the perfect “whatever.” It has to do with a belief that what someone else thinks about me is more important than my own experience. When I put them above me in this way, my motive in doing things well or being perfect is to prevent that disapproval which I believe I can’t handle.

That’s why one of my favorite exercises after doing The Work on such beliefs is to show up with my affairs half done. It’s not that I don’t value doing things well. It’s just freeing to not have to always present them perfectly. The more I show up that way, the more I realize that I don’t need or even want approval, and that disapproval is not so scary as I thought.

I invite you to identify who you are afraid of disappointing, write a worksheet, and do The Work. Let’s come back to doing things simply because we like to do them.

Have a great week,
Todd

“Anxiously focusing on the other person, checking for approval or disapproval, leaves nobody at home in yourself, nobody noticing your thoughts or taking responsibility for your feelings. This cuts you off from the source of real contentment. The outward focus also leaves unnoticed and unquestioned the inevitably painful thought that if you have to transform yourself to find love and approval, there must be something wrong with the way you are.” Byron Katie, I Need Your Love, Is It True?

Further reading: How To Stop Worrying About Disappointing Others