Sometimes People Block Their Inquiry Like This…
Say your mother expects you to call every week, and you don’t want to call that often. So you do The Work on your underlying belief, “I have to call Mom every week.” And here’s what happens.
When you get to question 4, “Who would you be without that thought?” you think, ‘Without the thought that I have to call Mom every week, I wouldn’t care!” And you immediately close down, thinking, “I don’t want to be uncaring. That’s mean. I’m a bad son if I do that.”
So you reject inquiry.
But Is Not Caring Really Bad?
In my opinion, there is no absolute good or bad. If I am obsessed with my obligation to call my mom every week, maybe I’m caring too much.
What does caring too much mean? It means I am trying to pretend to “care” more than I honestly do. I’m trying to manipulate her so that she feels good, and thinks well of me, and likes me.
But is that really necessary? Do I have to win her love? And if she loves me for calling, is it really me she’s loving? Or am I just feeding her fantasy that I’m the son that likes to always call?
Not Caring Is a Spectrum
At one end of the spectrum is not caring in a mean way by going out of my way to be hurtful. That kind of not caring is “bad” if you want to call it that. Because you feel the stress of being mean.
But at the other end of the spectrum is caring too much. And that’s also “bad” because it is stressful in a different way.
The balance point between these two extremes is the point of freedom. In that place, I’m neither caring too much, nor being uncaring in a hateful kind of way. This is where I’m neither attached to what the other person thinks of me, nor am I pushing them away. I call this kind of not caring “good.”
So It’s a Balance
If I’m caring too much, it’s stressful. And I’ll end up doing The Work on my stressful thoughts like, “I have to call Mom every week.”
But if I’m uncaring in a mean kind of way like, “I don’t ever want see Mom again,” then I’ll feel the stress in that, and end up questioning that thought.
My stress simply tells me where I’m off. And The Work brings me back to balance, by either inviting me to care a little more, or to care a little less.
But the Mind Gets Confused
It tends to confuse the “good” (non-stressful) kind of not caring with the “bad” (stressful) kinds of not caring. And then it uses this as an excuse not to inquire. The mind thinks, “I don’t want to not care about my mother.” As if not calling every week means I don’t love her at all. What does calling or not calling have to do with my love for her?
Once I see through the confusion, I’m open to inquiry. And I may find that I’m free to love her in a way that’s honest for me.
My mom then gets a chance to meet the real me, and possibly love me for who I really am. But regardless of how she sees it, my heart is more open now that I “don’t care,” because I’m no longer pretending. And my open, honest heart becomes the fertile ground for a true relationship to begin.
Have a great week,
Todd
“Here is one that you may have: “I’d be a traitor to my children if I even considered that I could go on living without them. It would mean that I don’t really love them.” This thought is, of course, completely insane, but that never stopped anyone from believing it. The craziness is easier to see when the thought is rephrased more simply: “If I don’t live in fear of losing my children, it means that I don’t love them” or “If I don’t suffer, it means that I don’t care.” Byron Katie, I Need Your Love, Is That True?
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