Here’s Something I Hear a lot from People Doing The Work
People say, “That turnaround is in the other person’s business.” And then they skip right over that turnaround, and stick with turnarounds that they are more familiar with.
No big deal. There are plenty of turnarounds to choose from. And you certainly don’t need to find them all.
But why skip something without even giving it a chance?
For Me It’s About Being Open Minded
The more open minded I can be when I do The Work, the more surprises I tend to find. And surprises are often what shift me out of my stressful thinking.
So I tend to explore every turnaround, even if it’s “in the other person’s business.” Turnarounds are about balance. I tend to trust turnarounds as potential balances to my original stressful thought.
And I’m still the final judge. If it does not bring balance for me, I move on. But at least I gave it a chance.
Let’s Look at Some Examples
Say you’re working the stressful thought, “He lied to me.” The standard turnarounds are:
Turnaround to the self: I lied to me.
Turnaround to the other: I lied to him.
Turnaround to the opposite: He didn’t lie to me.
A turnaround that seems like it is “in his business” is “He lied to himself.” At first, I might reject this turnaround because I could use it to support my story that he is a liar. He not only lies to me, but he lies to himself as well. In other words, I could use the turnaround to keep kicking him down.
But another way to use this turnaround is by seeing compassion for him through it. Of course, he lied to me, because he was believing his lie himself. Through this turnaround, I see his innocence, and my blame softens. This is balance. And now this same turnaround really works for me.
So It’s Not the Turnaround, But What I Do With It
If I use the turnaround as a way to balance my judgment, then it brings peace. If I use it to bolster my story of why I’m right, then it adds more stress.
As I find my turnarounds and examples, I keep listening to my stress/peace level and trust it to guide me as I explore.
Here’s Another Example
Say you’re working the thought, “I need him to love me. The standard turnarounds are:
Turnaround to the self: I need me to love me.
Turnaround to the other: I need me to love him.
Turnaround to the opposite: I don’t need him to love me.
But there’s another variation of the turnaround to the other that seems like it’s “in the other person’s business.” That turnaround is, “He needs me to love him.”
At first this turnaround seems “off.” But is it really? It’s off if I use it to trap myself, by thinking he is dependent on me. But this turnaround can also be very freeing if I use it to see that he is just like me. He wants my love as much as I want his.
This is actually a point of connection. It softens my blame on him that he is not loving me enough. It even makes it understandable why he isn’t showing me love: he’s waiting for me to do it first.
Have a great weekend,
Todd
“If I meet my partner with understanding, it feels more like me.” Byron Katie, Question Your Thinking, Change The World
