The kitchen is a great place to find situations for The Work.
I Noticed A Subtle Annoyance Recently
In the kitchen.
My partner and I have been cooking three meals a day for more than a decade. I know what I’m doing, and I can work efficiently. And there’s almost no stress. I like cooking.
That is, when I’m cooking alone.
I’m even pretty stress-free with others in the kitchen. But not 100%, as I recently found out.
My Mother-in-Law Likes to Help Out in the Kitchen
She washes dishes as I cook and sets the table. It’s actually a nice help. But I noticed that a little annoyance was building up in me.
Sometimes I want to go from the stove to the sink, but she’s washing dishes in the sink. Or she’ll sometimes start washing something I am still using. Annoying.
So I wrote a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on her. Not because this was a big deal. And not because of any real issue with my mother-in-law; we get along great. I wrote it just because it triggered me.
That’s the only reason to write a worksheet, in my opinion. I wanted to find out what was going on for me, and to see if there might be another less stressful way to experience the situation.
So I Did
Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet
Line 1:
I am annoyed with my mother-in-law because she is in the way.
Line 2 (wants):
I want her to stop helping me.
I want her to go read a book.
I want her to get out of my way.
I want to stop feeling like she has to help.
I want her to stop making me rethink how I do things.
I want her to let me go on auto-pilot when cooking.
Line 3 (shoulds):
She should ask me if her help is helpful.
She should let me do my own dishes.
She should not try to race ahead of me to do the dishes.
She should not see this as a responsibility competition.
She should see that I work better alone.
She should see that it takes the same time whether she helps or not.
Line 4 (needs):
I need her to not cause me stress.
I need her to ask me how she can help.
I need her to defer to me as the authority.
I need her to stay out of my way.
I need her to be under my complete control.
Line 5 (judgments):
She is annoying, helping too much, in my way.
Line 6 (don’t ever want):
I don’t ever want her to help me in the kitchen when I’m cooking again.
Now That May Sound Harsh
But all I was doing in writing that worksheet was letting that annoying feeling speak. I put the mic right up that emotion and let it talk.
That’s not my enlightened/wise self. That’s my stuck/stressed self talking. And that’s the part that needs to be heard. That’s the part that needs The Work.
Here’s What I Found When I Worked This Worksheet
I discovered that I was competing with her. I was literally racing ahead to get the dishes done before she even walked into the kitchen.
I wanted it to be under my control. I was fighting with her on a subtle level. And that was what was stressful. It was my resistance to her help that was causing the stress in me.
I was literally getting in my own way by seeing her as “in my way.”
So I Started Experimenting With A New Kitchen Dance
A dance that includes her this time. If she’s at the sink, and I want to be there, I stop. And out of respect, I let her finish what she’s doing. In fact, I often now volunteer to help her by drying the dishes in those moments. Or I take a break for a few minutes and go downstairs.
I started paying attention to how much time she really does save me by helping out. I had been discounting it before. This took the pressure off. I can now afford to adjust to her kitchen dance because together we are working faster than I would alone.
My favorite thing happened a few days after working this worksheet. I saw a pile of dishes in the sink. I noticed the urge to rush ahead and wash them before she came into the kitchen. But I reconsidered. And I decided to leave those dishes for her. It was like a gift to her.
This was huge for me. It felt like generosity, love, and respect all rolled in one. My heart opened, and it was so easy to be conversational with her when she arrived. I was actually grateful for her help. We were finally on the same team in my mind. I was not trying to control her. And that made my heart want to dance.
Have a great weekend,
Todd
“The turnarounds bring powerful new awareness. Self-realization is not complete until it lives as action. Live the turnarounds.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is
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