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It’s Not Okay for the Relationship To Not Be So Great, Is It True?

Indian Ponies
Relationships have cycles. Are you expecting perfection at every moment?

One of My Clients Did a Cool Piece of Work Recently

She’s been frustrated with her live-in mother for quite some time. The relationship is just not fun. As my client says, “It’s driving me bonkers!”

She hates to say it, but she feels like she actually hates her mother. She’s practically given up talking with her because every time she does there’s a fight.

“There’s a farmer’s market on Wednesday.”

“Today’s not Wednesday.”

“I know! You don’t have to explain everything!”

There is little patience on either side of the relationship. And miscommunication abounds.

So She Does The Work on Her Mother

She’s worked through several worksheets on her mother and, while she gets a few insights here and there, the stress and fighting continues.

But in trying to figure out what to work next, she discovered a deeper, underlying belief, “It’s not okay for my relationship to not be so great.”

This thought was holding so much energy for her. Because of this thought, she was trying so hard to fix the relationship.
Including trying to use The Work to fix it.

And That Pressure To Fix Things Was Interfering With Her Work

It was required, in her mind, that her relationship with her mother be perfect. Just like it was required that every other relationship, and every part of her life, be perfect.

Through inquiry, she discovered that she inherited this belief from her family when she was young, especially her mother, and it was reinforced throughout her life.

She felt that she was not allowed to feel bad. It was partly a religious thing. If she got emotional, her mother would tell her to get over it. Her family would make fun of her if she showed any negative emotions.

And if she didn’t do things perfectly, she’d be told, “You should have known better.”

The Conclusion Was You’re Supposed To Be Perfect

I know this one well because I came to the same conclusion living with my family. Positivity is great, negativity is not allowed! What a straitjacket!

Without the thought, “It’s not okay for my relationship to not be so great,” my client felt much freer.

And she found that there was no pressure to fix the relationship. She could just let it be.

For Me, This Is The Work

This is loving what is.

Not even trying to use The Work to fix the relationship. Just allowing it to have a stressful turn.

I often say that The Work is not about fixing things, but about seeing that they don’t need fixing. There’s real freedom in that.

And in that space, my client might continue writing Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheets on her mother and working them. But without the pressure of fixing things by doing so.

Just working it because that’s what’s up for her.

Have a great week,
Todd

“If you do The Work with any kind of motive, even the best of motives—getting your husband back or healing your body or saving the world—it won’t be genuine, because you’ll be looking for a certain kind of answer, and you won’t allow the deeper answers to surface. Only when you don’t know what you’re looking for can you be open to the answers that will change your life.” Byron Katie, A Thousand Names For Joy

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Todd Smith has been doing The Work of Byron Katie on an almost daily basis since 2007. He is just as excited about this simple process of self-inquiry today as he was when he first came across it. He also enjoys writing about The Work, and training others in the subtleties of this meditative process. Join Todd for The Work 101 online course, private sessions, virtual retreats, and his ongoing Inquiry Circle group.