Here Is Another Way to Beat Yourself Up with The Work
A couple of weeks ago, I shared some ways that the mind can use The Work to beat you up. Since then, several people have shared their experience with this.
Here’s What One Reader Shared
“I used to be famous for beating myself up with what I found in question three. When I saw how I treated them when I believed that thought I felt awful about myself.”
It’s easy enough to do.
You start exposing the attacking you did, or the cold treatment, or whatever negative behavior you did, and you feel ashamed for doing it. You start attacking yourself.
So How Do You Stop Doing That?
This same reader shares her experience.
“I did not notice my innocence by truly understanding that it was a REACTION to the thought. Reflecting on the difference between question three and question four finally sunk in and helped me see it. Working with experienced facilitators that could help me catch it and question the self-attack thoughts right away helped.”
I also find it helpful to think of these nasty reactions of mine as the result of my thinking. It’s not who I am. It’s just who I am when I’m under the influence of that particular thought. This reveals my innocence.
Then I can see the internal cause and effect of believing a particular thought more objectively. With the thought, I am stressed and attacking. Without the thought, I am not stressed and not attacking. That’s all I need to know from questions three and four.
Here Are Some Other Ways to Not Beat Yourself Up
This idea was submitted by a different reader:
“Personally I noticed that when my mind stays open, I naturally won’t beat myself up. But, sometimes, my mind has already tricked me into beating myself up, and then I just KNOW I’m off. That happens when I haven’t given my ego enough space in Question 3. It’s almost like skipping the questions and going directly to the turnarounds.
“So whenever my mind tricks me into beating myself up, I know I probably haven’t paid enough attention to my ego. I will just imagine my ego as that little child, crying with pain because it fell, and hold it for a while, embrace it, hug it, reassuring it that I won’t let it down.
“And soon enough I can feel peace coming in – and not even two minutes later my ego (child) is off again, playing peacefully in the sunshine of all-encompassing love – and then I can continue my Work, either going back to Question 3 to see whether I overlooked an important reaction so that my ego really feels heard. Or continuing the turnarounds with a more open and understanding mind, which I will know soon enough from my emotions when finding examples.”
And Here’s Another Reader’s Experience
“Last summer Byron Katie worked with me about my daughter. Line 5 on my worksheet was ‘My daughter is stubborn.’ The turnaround was ‘I am stubborn.’ Byron Katie said, ‘Yes, very stubborn.’
This reader started beating herself up with the turnaround. But Katie stopped her…
“And then Katie asked for the opposite, ‘What is the opposite? – 0pen? – Where can you find this? That you are open?’ I’ll never forget it! This brings so much more peace to me as compared to when I only say ‘Yes, I can find that I am very stubborn.'”
For me, The Work is about finding balance. Even the turnarounds can be turned around if they bring stress. After all, I often find that both sides are true.
Here Are Other Ways to Not Beat Yourself Up from Another Reader
“One of the ways I keep from beating myself up with The Work is to stay with the turnaround in the specific moment and not make it a new identity for who I am. For example, ‘He is unloving’, turned around to myself, ‘I am unloving’ in the moment I see him as unloving, and not, ‘I am always unloving’.
“Another way that is working for me right now is to live the turnaround to myself more than the turnaround to the other. For example, ‘I want him to make me a big part of his life’, turned around to ‘I want me to make me a big part of my life’. The turnaround, ‘I want me to make him a big part of my life’ can cause me to beat myself up because it’s not what he desires.”
There Are A Thousand Ways To Beat Yourself Up, And A Thousand Ways Not To
It’s up to me to notice when I’m beating myself up. And to remember that beating myself up is not the true spirit of The Work.
Basically, if I notice that I’m beating myself up in any way doing The Work, the stress of doing so is my signal to back off. My desire is to go towards peace through inquiry. Anything that brings me in the opposite direction is not what I came for.
And it is not The Work.
Have a great week,
Todd
“If you argue with reality, if you lie about what you know is true, it feels stressful.” Byron Katie, Question Your Thinking, Change The World
