When You’re Running Late, Self-Attack Is Normal
Of course, it is all my fault when I’m running late. There’s no one else to blame but me.
That’s what one participant in the Tough Situations Teleconference last week experienced. The stressful situation that she brought to the call was about arriving late for a class.
In that situation, she was upset with herself, not with anyone else. It seemed impossible to write a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet (where the blame is on someone else) in her situation.
But We Looked Anyway
Her first thought was that she should have planned better.
But that was a self-judgment, so we set it aside for a moment because we were looking to see if she was also judging someone else in this situation.
She checked to see if she was judging the class, but she wasn’t angry at the class. Although, she did find that she could write a worksheet on a friend who was taking the class with her (and how she must be disappointed in her for being late). But that was a minor side issue for her.
Then she thought about all the obstacles that got in the way of her timely arrival. But she really couldn’t blame the subway or the traffic. They were not really it.
So We Kept Looking
She said that getting to places late is a common thing for her. I asked her what made her feel like a victim (unable to get there on time despite her best intentions)? What kind of forces was she dealing with?
She immediately started finding ideas like, “There is too much to do,” and “There is not enough time.” In the end she decided to write a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on “time,” and how it was making things difficult for her.
This could be a very interesting worksheet. I look forward to hearing where it goes for her.
And It Could Also Lead to Other Worksheets
For example, she could go back to the time period before she was late for class and look at all the things that were going on there.
Anything that contributed to her lateness. Anything that took more time than it should have. Or any job that arrived unexpectedly, or without her full agreement. Or anyone she was trying to please (and ended up giving more time than she had). Or anything she could not say “no” or “later” to.
Any of these things could be the focus of a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. If she were to write a whole worksheet on any of these “time sucks,” she might find some interesting turnarounds.
It Turns Out That Her Self-Attack Was Secondary
At first sight, it looked like she was only attacking herself about being late.
But as we explored, it became apparent that she felt victimized about her situation too. That means she was blaming someone or something else outside of herself for her lateness too. Somewhere deep inside she didn’t believe it was all her fault.
Finding these other players who were making her a victim allowed her to get to the heart of her stressful thoughts to question.
This Is Something You Can Try
Anytime you are judging yourself (and don’t think that you are mad at anyone else), try asking yourself, “Where am I a victim here? What is making me feel like I’m not in control?”
If you can answer these questions, you may find the real cause of your anger and frustration. And you will have a clear Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet to write.
I will dedicate a chapter to this idea in my new book, coming out Sep 15th. Until then, join us on the Tough Situations forum for free until the book comes out.
Have a great weekend,
Todd
“Every story is a variation on a single theme: This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t have to experience this. God is unjust. Life isn’t fair.” — Byron Katie, Loving What Is p. 15.
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