Last Week I Made a Mistake
I told someone I would do something. And they were counting on me to do it. But I didn’t show up, and I ended up making them look bad as a result.
By any standards, it was a mistake.
So how did I react? I immediately felt a pit in my stomach and started beating myself up. I also got defensive looking for a way to pass the blame. But I ended up with the inevitable feeling of guilt.
It was a stressful few moments.
But I Turned It Around Pretty Quickly
Because I’ve been down this road before, and I’ve done previous work on this kind of situation. I’ve questioned defensive thoughts like, “It’s not my fault,” and found where actually I was to blame. So my first living turnaround was to admit my fault to myself and to the other person.
I texted her right away and apologized without explanation other than I forgot. I knew she would disapprove, and I knew she was right to do so. But it felt good at least to come clean right way.
Just accepting that it was my fault helped alleviate some of the stress I was feeling. Taking responsibility felt much better than persisting in denial.
But there was still some more stress I was feeling.
There Was Still Guilt
The next thought I wanted to question was, “I am guilty,” or “I made a mistake.” When I turned this around, I could see my innocence. I didn’t intend to forget the appointment. I had even put a reminder in my phone. I just didn’t check my phone. I really was doing my best in the situation. That shifted me out of the guilt.
But it Was A Delicate Hold
If I went too far with “I’m not guilty,” it felt like defensiveness again. And if I went too far with, “It was my fault,” then it felt like guilt.
In the end, I had to hold both of these turnarounds simultaneously in order to be free. I had to hold, “It was my fault,” and, “I’m innocent,” both at the same time for my heart to let go of that stressful feeling.
What an amazing yoga pose it is to hold both of these together! It really is the best of both worlds: responsibility without guilt.
Give it a Try Yourself Sometime
Can you find your innocence and take responsibility too? Can you find where you’re at fault and hold it along with where you are innocent? In my experience, it’s well worth exploring this possibility.
Have a great week,
Todd
“When someone says, ‘You’re aggressive!’ you could say, ‘You know, I can see it that way too.’ And there’s peace. Or you could say, ‘No, I’m not!’ You’re the aggressive one!’–and you know where that leads.” — Byron Katie, I Need Your Love, Is That True? p. 216.
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