Internal Living Turnarounds

hood of an old Plymouth car

What’s under the hood is as important as what’s outside.

Living Turnarounds Are Turnarounds That You Live

There are two ways to find examples for turnarounds. With regular turnaround examples I’m looking for why the turnaround is a as true, or truer, than the original statement. With living turnaround examples, I’m looking for how I can live the turnaround.

Both kinds of examples provide balance. Finding why the turnaround is true gives a balance of understanding. Finding an example that you can practically live gives balance through action.

Here’s an Example of a Turnaround

Say you’re working the statement, “I want my dad to be kind and loving to me.” The situation is a phone conversation where your dad is yelling at you.

The turnaround to the other is, “I want me to be kind and loving to him.”

There Are Two Kinds of Examples for this Turnaround

1. Regular Turnaround Examples

I find regular turnaround examples by asking, “How could it be as true, or truer, that I want me to be kind and loving to him?” When I consider this, I find these examples:

  • I feel better when I’m kind to him, even if he’s not being kind to me.
  • Being genuinely kind to him could deescalate the situation.
  • I want to be kind and loving to him because I don’t want to be in an argument with him.
  • And because overall I do love him.

2. Living Turnaround Examples

I find living turnaround examples by asking, “How could I live the turnaround of being kind and loving to him in that moment?” When I consider this, I find these examples:

  • By giving him space to rant.
  • By not countering with defense.
  • By asking him to say more.

These are all ways I could be kind and loving to him through my behavior. This is what we mean by finding living turnarounds: what can I do in that situation to put the turnaround into action?

But There’s Also a Another Way to Find Living Turnarounds

Living a turnaround doesn’t always mean external action. Sometimes the action is completely internal.

I find internal living turnaround examples the same way, by asking, “How could I live the turnaround of being kind and loving to him in that moment?” When I consider how to do this on the internal level, I find these examples:

  • By remembering that he is a human being (subject to anger).
  • By holding him in my heart with love.
  • By considering if there is any truth in what he’s saying.
  • By remembering that I do the same thing sometimes.

All of these actions are internal. I’m not doing anything on the outside that is different. But these internal living turnarounds open my heart and allow me to be more peaceful in the same situation.

And, interestingly, as I hold myself differently inside, quite naturally I tend to do things differently on the outside too. The difference of attitude is often very apparent to the other person.

This is one of my favorite ways to live a turnaround. Spontaneously, my behavior shifts as I see him with more love and kindness. And even if he doesn’t see it, I feel it. And that’s what opens up my heart.

It’s like giving a gift without the other person knowing it.

Have a great week,
Todd

“Ross also likes to play with an exercise that I recommend, which is to do a kind act and not get found out; if you’re found out, the act doesn’t count, and you start over. I have seen him at amusement parks watch children who don’t seem to have enough money. He’ll pull out a bill from his wallet, stoop down in front of the child, pretend to pick it up from the ground, and hand it to him, saying, “You dropped this, dude,” then quickly walk away without ever looking back. He is a fine teacher of how to practice the turnaround through living amends. It’s generous to bring this practice into everyday life. The results are nothing short of miraculous, realized ever more deeply through further inquiry.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is

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