One Thing at a Time

My partner and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant with a French pastry chef. I was feeling good, not wanting to be protective of myself, feeling adventurous. I don’t like to overeat, and I don’t usually eat much chocolate. But at the waitress’ suggestion, I ordered a piece of chocolate cake for dessert. It turned out to be huge—enough for four people in my opinion. And it was super rich, like eating a whole box of candy.

The waitress had suggested it as her favorite. I didn’t want to disappoint her by not being enthusiastic myself. I would have been happy having one bite and being done with it. But I didn’t want to waste the food. And I didn’t want to take it home. So I ended up eating the whole darned thing. My heart pounded for a full 24 hours with all the sugar and chocolate. And I believe it contributed to a cold I got two days later.

So How Do I Work this Situation?

In this one little situation, there are actually many angles I could take. And for each one I could write a completely different Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet.

I sometimes call the stressful moment the crime scene (the place where I got victimized). But in that one crime scene, there were actually several different crimes committed by different players. Each one deserves a different write up, a different Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet.

Here Are Five Different Crimes I Found in my Situation

I’ll write each one using the format of Line 1 of the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet: “I am _____ with _____ because _________.

1. I am angry at Life/God for playing hardball with me (when I was just practicing being adventurous).

2. I am annoyed by the chef because he served too large a portion.

3. I am afraid of the waitress because she will be disappointed in me (if I reject her favorite dessert).

4. I am afraid of my partner because he thinks I’m stupid for ordering the cake.

5. I am angry at my parents because they required me to eat everything on my plate.

Those Are a lot of Different Angles for Worksheets

If I want to look under every rock in this investigation, I can complete each worksheet and work it.

I start by just writing one full worksheet on one of these angles. I wrote worksheet #3 on the waitress since she got me into this trouble in the first place with her suggestion.

Line 1 (situation): I am afraid of the waitress because she will be disappointed in me (if I reject her favorite dessert).

Line 2 (wants): I want her to tell the chef it’s too much. I want her to take it back. I want her to still like me if I don’t eat it.

Line 3 (shoulds): She should ask me if it’s too much. She should offer to cut me a smaller piece. She should share the cake with others so it doesn’t go to waste. She should see how heavy it is. She should have some compassion for me.

Line 4 (needs): I need her to tell me I’m not locked in. I need her to encourage my self-restraint. I need her to not judge me for not eating it all.

Line 5 (judgments): She is wanting me to like it, wanting to be right, out of touch with portion size, pressuring me.

Line 6 (don’t ever want): I don’t ever want to feel coerced into eating more than I want again.

I’m Working Through This One Slowly

And when I’m done, I’ve got the option to write the other worksheets and work them. Or just work each of the remaining Line 1 statements. Or, if I decide that I’m clear enough on this situation, I can move on to something else.

I just find it easier to focus on just one crime at a time when doing my work. And one way to do this for complex situations is to write a bunch of Line 1 statements. Then I can choose one angle and continue writing one complete Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet at a time.

I encourage you to play with it. Instead of cramming everything into one worksheet, try separating out each crime and give it its own Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet.

Have a great week,
Todd

“Judge your neighbor, write it down, ask four questions, and turn it around—just one at a time.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is

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