Patrie Raised An Interesting Question On My Blog
She wrote, “My doubt is whether it’s true now as I look at it, or if it was true for me in that situation.”
This is in relation to questions 1 and 2 of The Work: “Is it true?” and “Can you absolutely know it’s true?”
This Is A Valid Question
Where am I answering “Is it true?” from? From the me of that past situation? Or from the me of today?
I don’t know. I tend to do it both ways without thinking. So let’s explore.
Let’s say I’m working something from my youth, “My parents shouldn’t have divorced.” When I ask, “Is it true?” my mind goes to some of the good I now see in that divorce.
For example, it was a huge step of courage for my mom to initiate the divorce, and it really opened her life up. And it expanded our family to include more wonderful people (step-mother and step-father and their families). It also made me dig deep.
So when I answer from the me of today, not from the me of 1986, my answer is no. It’s not true that they shouldn’t have divorced. There was a lot of good in it.
But What Happens If I Answer From The Me of 1986?
Is it true that they shouldn’t have divorced? Let me ask the me that is sitting at the dining room table hearing my parents tell us for the first time that they are divorcing. Let me ask the one that went up to his room and cried on his bed.
Is it true that they shouldn’t have divorced? I hear a resounding “yes.” (For me the divorce is that conversation at the table, not when the papers were signed later.)
In that situation, I believe that the divorce is what’s making me sad. I see only loss in it. I see only failure as a family.
Can I Absolutely Know It’s True?
Staying with that situation as a fifteen-year-old boy, I have to really think. Am I absolutely sure they shouldn’t have divorced? I have to really put myself back there to answer from there.
Well, I remember my mom asking me what I thought about divorce a few months earlier. I know they had very different religious views. I know that there was a bit of dislike of in-laws.
But I also see so many images of a perfect family. I never heard them fight. I saw and felt love in the family. Could it be that I missed something? Could it be that the love from my parents was primarily directed towards us children and not to each other? That’s hard to believe. Maybe. I don’t know.
Or let me look at it practically? Is it going to be the end of my world? No. I’m still young. I have my whole life ahead of me. Also, lots of my friends have divorced parents. All I can say is it’s unknown. I can’t say it’s going to be bad.
For me though, it’s a loss of status. I’m no longer special, I’m just like everyone else if they divorce. Could losing my special status be a good thing? Maybe. I might feel more a part of the world, though my mind is still resisting it. So can I absolutely know it’s true that they shouldn’t divorce? No.
OK, So Let’s Look At This
These were two very different inquiries. The first one felt like I was going on info I’d already uncovered. It’s like the me of today already has a fairly grand, enlightened perspective. It’s main problem is that it’s holding onto a memory of that past hurt. But the second one was new territory for me. It was very intimate and personal to answer from that age as if I was there again. It started to touch me deeply.
Granted, I did not really drop in on the first inquiry. So it’s not really a fair comparison. I believe I could have spent more time in the first method to really get clear about my no.
But I have to say, I really like going back in time. That’s when the hurt first happened to me. That’s the me that got stuck, and I don’t think it has ever fully gotten unstuck.
The answers from today sound a bit too adult for that stuck little me of 1986. But if the me of age 15 can find genuine answers, I think the chances of a genuine, visceral shift might improve. I feel like I was really touching the heart of it as I was exploring here.
What’s Your Experience?
I’m still just starting to explore this question that Patrie has raised. I’d love to hear your experiences.
Do you have a preference for how you answer questions 1 and 2? Have you seen any difference in results? Are both equally helpful? What’s your experience?
Have a great weekend,
Todd
“I have helped people do The Work on rape, war in Vietnam and Bosnia, torture, internment in Nazi concentration camps, the death of a child, and the prolonged pain of illnesses like cancer. Many of us think that it’s not humanly possible to accept extreme experiences like these, much less meet them with unconditional love. But not only is that possible, it’s our true nature.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is
