A Client Asked this Question Yesterday
I thought it was a fascinating question. And her answer as to why we beat ourselves up was even more interesting.
She recalled an interview with an autistic man who eventually was able to speak. The interviewer asked him why he used to hit his head against the wall. He said that it distracted him from his bigger discomfort.
My Client was Beating herself up for not Going to bed Earlier
A process I’m familiar with myself.
The self talk was, “I’m an idiot. I’m useless. I’m a failure.” And she would go on and on with this kind of talk in her mind, trashing her emotions in the process.
She wanted to know why she was doing it. It certainly wasn’t helpful. Nor was it even true for her that she was an idiot for not going to bed earlier.
She realized that maybe she was beating herself up as a distraction from some other pain. Just like the autistic man.
Beating Ourselves Up Could Simply Be How We React
Maybe we use beating ourselves up as a distraction. Just like any addiction.
The real issue could be something else, but we grab onto the old familiar, “I didn’t go to bed early enough,” and drown our woes in that. Cool idea to consider. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but it makes some sense to me.
And if that’s the case, then noticing when we beat ourselves up could become a new temple bell calling us to look for what other stressful situation caused us to react in that way.
And then we could do The Work on the original stressful situation, not just on the reactive stressful thoughts.
I Also think Beating Myself Up is How I Try to Manipulate and Control
I want to avoid someone else’s criticism so I criticize myself first. This somehow makes me feel “responsible.” I can always say, “Don’t be too hard on me, I’m hard enough on myself. At least I’m trying.” It gives an illusion of control when I’m feeling powerless.
Who Knows Why We Beat Ourselves Up?
It’s probably personal to each of us. Anyway, here are a few thoughts to get you started. Now what do you think? Why do you think you beat yourself up sometimes?
Have a great week,
Todd
“So when you suffer, inquire, look at the thoughts you’re thinking, and set yourself free. Be a child. Know nothing. Follow your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” — Byron Katie, Question Your Thinking, Change The World, p. 209.
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