Here’s a Situation for Inquiry
A participant in The Daily Worksheet recently inquired about her money worries. Here’s what she wrote.
“Yesterday afternoon in the kitchen. My husband and I are talking about finances. I am worrying about our finances because we lost so much money. I want to not have lost it. I want us to be better investors. I want to not worry about money.”
And she continued to write a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet from this situation.
Here’s what she Questioned
From line 1 of her worksheet, she questioned the thought, “We lost so much money.”
And Here’s what she Found through Inquiry
Is that true?
“Yes.”
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
“Yes.”
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
“I blame myself and also my husband. I am ashamed. I imagine my dad, my family, everybody disappointed and sorry for us. I am sorry for the kids who may get nothing from us (or debts). I imagine us unable to live well like now.
“I see us isolated in the future. I remember when it happened, and imagine this time it’s forever. I compare us with others who are successful. I am scared we will not be able to help our son who doesn’t earn a lot anymore.
“Panicky. I pace the room, try to reassure my husband but must be more scared than him.”
Who would you be without that thought?
“I would not talk at all about our money but of what brought up the subject (we were talking about an e-mail we received, somebody asking for money): we would talk about this girl and if it’s a good thing to “lend” her money (knowing the risk). We would think, talk, about her, not us.”
Turnaround to “My Thinking”
Our thinking about money lost so much money.
Examples:
1. It’s our thinking about money that put us in this situation: we gambled. We knew we were taking risks. We thought we were right. Now it’s just retribution for this sort of thinking. We are responsible of it. Being clear with that makes me not ashamed but responsible instead.
2. Knowing it’s hard to invest I can forgive me. We were sure we were doing the right thing when we bought what we bought. We cannot control the market. Thinking we are more clever than the market is presumptious, quite normal we lose. Like many people, like institutions.
Turnaround to the Opposite
We didn’t lose so much money.
Examples:
1. Maybe not so much, it could be everything. We could have debts.
2. For the moment we are ok.
3. We can spend less and still be ok.
Exclamation Point Turnaround
We have lost so much money! Yay! How is it a good thing?
Examples:
1. Money is not the most important thing in life: having less of it, makes me concentrate on other things that really count for happiness: like peace and feeling ok with myself.
2. Less worries. Less to spend now: more time, life more simple. We are going to travel less, go less to restaurants and hotels and buy less stupid stuff which never makes us happy anyway.
3. Easier to say no. Now we can say that the main reason to say no to the girl is we cannot. The other reason was that we are not sure it was a good thing for the girl we were going to lend money to. Now there’s no need to say it to influence her.
4. We will not be liked for our money.
5. My husband doesn’t want to see old class-mates because of that. Excellent, I don’t like this sort of reunion anyway.
6. We cannot afford a second house near our children as we wanted, one less worry (to chose it, pay for it, maintain it, worry about it when not there).
7. I feel closer to people who have money difficulties (big majority of people). I understand.
8. No taxes to pay.
9. It’s nobody’s business but ours. So no reason to be ashamed. No reason to be proud also. It’s just neutral. Something that happened to us. Like breaking a leg. Nobody is sorry for us. Am I sorry for me? Not when I own my responsibility. Not when I see why I did what I did. Including the fact that I trusted my husband.
10. The kids will have to take their life into their own hands without counting on us! Good thing. They are able to do it. They may not count on us anyway.
11. We are all on the same boat: there is no financial security possible. No guarantee for anybody. Even if completely secure I can get hurt. Get hit by a truck as Katie says.
Have a great week,
Todd
“The concept ‘I want my money to be safe’ puts you in the position of the miser. So it goes out miserly, it comes back miserly. And even if it comes back in the billions, it still doesn’t feel that way, because you’ve attached to the concept ‘I have to make it safe.’ So you’re not the keeper of it, you’re afflicted with it. It is keeping you. ” — Byron Katie, Question Your Thinking, Change The World, p. 141.
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