Where Does My Nervousness Come From?

I used to get that uncomfortable feeling on the school bus on the way to an exam.

I’d get butterflies in my stomach, and sweaty palms and underarms. I’d look out the window, playing the upcoming scene over and over in my mind, trying not to be distracted by the kids around me.

Or I’d sit and review my notes for the 1000th time.

But I Haven’t Thought Much About Testing Since School

My testing days are long since over.

Or so I thought, until I went to the final testing week to become a certified facilitator of The Work.

There I met the same old demons in my mind that used to plague me in school. And I found a whole new area for me to work.

This Work Is New To Me

And I haven’t got it all figured out. But I want to share where I’m thinking to go with it. And I look forward to hearing your thoughts as well.

The First Thing I’m Drawn To Is A Worksheet On My Catholic School

When I switched there in fourth grade from a Montessori school, it slowly dawned on me that I was being graded.

I remember looking at a report card with my Mom, and learning what “NI” meant (Needs Improvement – no “F’s” were given in the lower school). I vaguely remember my sister getting an NI, and I somehow understood from my Mom that getting one would be very bad.

From then on I was not in school to learn and explore. I was in school to avoid the “NI” grade.

Maybe It’s Not So Much My Catholic School, But My Mom

It was really my mom’s disapproval that I feared the most. So maybe the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet will be on her.

What is the specific situation for this worksheet?

I think my mom’s potential disapproval didn’t become clear until I saw my mom being disappointed with my sister’s “bad” report card.

That Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet could begin like this…

I am afraid of Mom because she doesn’t like low grades.

I Can’t Remember All The Details Of The Situation

But I think I’ve got the gist of it.

That stressful moment stands out to me across all these years. And I notice that all through school, even college, and grad school, it was my mom that I thought of when I got my report card. I always wanted her to be pleased.

So that’s one worksheet I plan to work and write.

And Here’s Another Direction Where I May Go

I think a lot of my nervousness comes from comparing. Comparing myself to an ideal. And comparing myself to others.

The week of testing that I experienced recently is a rich area for me to look at my comparing mind.

Here Are A Few Ways I Compared On That Course

I’m better than that facilitator because she explained The Work poorly. (when she was speaking)

That facilitator doesn’t do as well with difficult clients as I do. (when I was witnessing her facilitate)

I’ve got more experience than that facilitator does.

Katie is expecting me to do well. (sounds like my mom there)

And I compared myself to the perfect facilitators in the room. I know several that I think are pretty darned good, and I both tear them down, and revere them in my mind.

Like That, I Can Go Through The Names Of Each Facilitator I Remember

And look for when and where I judged them.

I have a feeling that when I do, when I write a worksheet on each time and place that I compared myself to them, and work through it, I may discover the source of my nervousness.

So I’ll Be Exploring

If nervousness is your thing too, let me know, and I’ll include you in the loop. Maybe we can ride the same school bus together!

In the meantime, I look forward to having you join us for this month’s teleconference on the Sandy Hook Shooting this Sunday at 9:30 AM Pacific Time.

Have a great week,
Todd

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