Emotions and rational thought often don’t see eye-to-eye. Emotions are valid in their own right. And rational thinking is valid too. But the problem comes when the two are in conflict.
Many of us choose to be either “rational people” or “emotional people” and then make decisions based on this kind of identity. But there’s almost always a “winning” part inside of us and a “losing” part. Either I get to do what my emotions want or I get to do what my rational mind wants. There’s rarely a way to make both parties happy.
Stress alerts us to the conflict within us. When we listen, we can hear the two sides arguing, like a parent and a child. One side is wise, the parent, and knows that eating more ice cream is not good for the child. It tries to be reasonable but the child doesn’t want to listen. It only becomes more stubborn, thinking, “But I want it.”
One way of dealing with this kind of situation is to force the child to comply (for its own good). This works well when children are small and weak, but as they become stronger over time, it doesn’t work at all. This is the state that many of us find in dealing with our emotions: they are very strong and don’t respond to the use of force anymore.
The second way is listening and complying with the child’s wishes, allowing it to have as much ice cream as it likes. This causes all kinds of problems and it allows the less experienced child to lead the way (not usually such a good idea). When we only listen to our emotions and do whatever they tell us, it can lead again to emotions that get out of control while the rational mind becomes weak only saying, “Poor baby” and allowing them to wreak havoc in all directions.
A third way is called The Work of Byron Katie (four questions and turnarounds). This method includes a little of both: it starts with listening. “Tell me everything!” It allows the emotions to write, in a completely uncensored way, all of its complaints. And it promises not to try to change the emotions at all but just to listen.
The Work asks the emotional part to answer a few questions if it’s willing:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
Could the opposite be true?
And it listens as the emotional part answers these questions from within its own experience. The emotional part is still in control (which it likes very much) but it is starting to stretch beyond its immediate experience to something deeper, truer, and more interesting for it. It is starting to educate itself and grow. It is getting in contact with its inner wisdom. This is very different from being told what to do by the rational part of the mind.
When the emotional part is allowed to discover on its own that what it was thinking is not fully true for it, it becomes open to finding new ways. If it wants an ice cream but discovers when it looks more closely at its experience that its stomach is full, it may realize on its own that it doesn’t want more ice cream.
Now, the emotional part itself is becoming more rational. It is growing towards the wisdom of the rational mind on its own terms. And this makes all the difference. Now, the wisdom is not intellectual but experiential.
The emotional part sees from its own experience that the turnaround, “I don’t want ice cream,” is truer and it spontaneously stops trying to get more. There is no fight. There is no winner (rational mind) or loser (emotional part). Both sides come into accord with one another on the common ground of wisdom. And it feels like peace.
If you try to do The Work with the rational mind, then you miss this experience. The rational mind already knows what “should” happen. And if the rational mind answers the questions, it is basically doing the homework for the child. There is no learning in this, no expansion, no meeting of opposites. Instead, the rational part of the mind is trying to control the emotional part by “doing The Work.”
This is not really doing The Work. It is using The Work as a weapon in the hands of the controlling, rational side. The true work requires this rational side to back off and hand over the inquiry to the emotional, experiential part completely. When this is done, the emotions can start to trust the process. There is no manipulation in it. And then, genuine growth on the side of the emotions can happen.
This is the same kind of patience that parents must have with children. Children develop slowly. If parents try to rush this growth, they actually get in the way of it. But when they allow the child to be a child yet invite it to stretch a little every day, then the child grows up to become a confident, wise adult.
Emotions can believe all kinds of crazy, irrational things. But if you can listen without trying to change them and still invite them to answer these questions (with only what feels true for them), then even the craziest emotions can change dramatically. But it has to happen on their terms and in their time. Anything else will backfire.
Sometimes, people complain that The Work can lead to denial. I see this is only possible when The Work is not being done in this respectful, patient way. If I try to push myself to change with The Work, then I will take shortcuts and answer “No, my thought is not true,” when I mean “Yes, I still believe it is true.”
This rushing the process in service of trying to change me is not The Work. And it does lead to denial. But if you slow it down and allow the childish, emotional part to answer the questions of The Work, then you will have an honest inquiry. You may not fully turn everything around but whatever progress you make will be genuine.
The Work is for the emotional part inside me. Only my truth on that level can set me free.
“There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. You are listening for your answers now, not other people’s, and not anything you have been taught. This can be very unsettling at first, because you are entering the unknown. As you continue to dive more deeply, allow the truth within you to rise and meet the question. Be gentle as you give yourself to inquiry. Let this experience have you completely.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is
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