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How to Stop Beating Yourself Up With The Turnarounds

Listen to the video version of this article.

Turnarounds Are A Prescription For Happiness

But, like any medicine, they can be administered improperly.

For example, you may have written on a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet, “He is mean, condescending, abusive, cruel, unfair, and controlling.”

When you turn this around to yourself, it can sound harsh, “I am mean, condescending, abusive, cruel, unfair, and controlling,” especially if you’re already in the habit of beating yourself up mentally.

But This Is Not The Purpose Of The Work

It’s not the purpose of The Work to beat yourself up. Yes, The Work is a way to become aware of what you’re doing to yourself and others. And coming out of denial is not always pretty. But the only point is to simply notice what we’re doing, so we can stop. You can’t change something if you’re unaware you’re doing it.

The purpose of the turnaround to the self is to notice how I am just like the person I am judging. I am mean, just like him. I am also unfair, like him. There is a joining here, when done gently. And it sets the two of us on equal par–both human.

Here Are A Few Tips To Avoid Being Harsh On You

  1. Don’t skip the four questions before turning a statement around. The four questions tend to soften us, and make us more open to seeing our part in things. If necessary, do all four questions for each item listed (even in line 5 of the JYNW).
  2. Keep it in perspective. It’s not that I am an unkind person in general. The turnaround just applies in that situation. In the moment I see you as unkind, I am unkind (to see you that way). Not unkind before or after–just in that very moment.
  3. Be gentle with yourself. Hold the turnaround, “I am unkind” together with the original concept, “He is unkind.” These two statements balance each other. If you take it out of context, it can result in stress.
  4. Find your innocence. Even if you do find you’re mean, notice how you had no choice believing what you were believing at the time. Be gentle with yourself, and cut yourself some slack.

The Happiness Of Turnarounds Comes From Humility

Turnarounds can lead to humility. And humility is delicious. It is freedom.

But don’t confuse humility with humiliation!

Humility is letting go of being right. It is letting go of attack. It is generosity. But humiliation is turning the attack back towards yourself. It is not generous. And it is not The Work. It is simply the old way of attack, and more attack.

Next time you notice a harshness when turning a thought around to yourself, try some of these tips. When you administer your prescription for happiness properly, you may find that the result is quite pleasant.

The Work 101

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Join my mailing list to receive the latest news, articles, videos, and tips for doing The Work. The newsletter comes out on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

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The Work 101

Ready to do The Work?

The Work As Meditation Newsletter

Join my mailing list to receive the latest news, articles, videos, and tips for doing The Work. The newsletter comes out on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Thank you for subscribing to our newsletter. Please check your email to complete the verification process.