“He should buy me flowers,” turns around to, “I should buy him flowers.”
But it does take a little practice before you can find it easily every time. Let’s practice a little here.
First of all, if you’re new to The Work, there are three standard turnarounds (opposites) that you can look for when doing The Work on any statement.
The turnaround to the self (Put yourself on all of it.)
The turnaround to the other (Switch the roles.)
The turnaround to the opposite (The complete opposite.)
If the original statement is, “He should buy me flowers,” then the three standard turnarounds are:
The turnaround to the self: “I should buy myself flowers.” (I put myself on all of it.)
The turnaround to the other: “I should buy him flowers.” (I switched the roles.)
The turnaround to the opposite: “He shouldn’t buy me flowers.” (The complete opposite.)
So let’s look at some examples. See if you can spot the pattern. Notice that for each statement the roles get reversed in the turnaround to the other.
1. Original statement: “He lied to me.”
Turnaround to the other: “I lied to him.” (The roles are switched.)
2. Original statement: “She hurt me.”
Turnaround to the other: “I hurt her.” (The roles are switched.)
3. Original statement: “He doesn’t respect me.”
Turnaround to the other: “I don’t respect him.” (The roles are switched.)
4. Original statement: “He should use a softer tone of voice with me.”
Turnaround to the other: “I should use a softer tone of voice with him.” (The roles are switched.)
With “I want” or “I need” statements, I don’t change the “I want” or “I need” part at all. I only switch the roles for the remainder of the sentence. Here are some examples.
1. Original statement: “I want him to pay attention to me.”
Turnaround to the other: “I want me to pay attention to him” (The roles are switched, but “I want” remains untouched.)
2. Original statement: “I need her to ask me how I’m feeling.”
Turnaround to the other: “I need me to ask her how she’s feeling.” (The roles are switched, but “I need” remains untouched.)
3. Original statement: “I want him to join me.”
Turnaround to the other: “I want me to join him.” (The roles are switched, but “I want” remains untouched.)
4. Original statement: “I need her to apologize to me.”
Turnaround to the other: “I need me to apologize to her.” (The roles are switched, but “I need” remains untouched.)
Not every statement has a turnaround to the other. Here are some examples of statements where there is no turnaround to the other.
1. Original statement: “He is stupid.”
Turnaround to the other: there is no turnaround to the other. (There is no other person in the sentence.)
2. Original statement: “She is not being humble.”
Turnaround to the other: there is no turnaround to the other. (There is no other person in the sentence.)
3. Original statement: “He smells bad.”
Turnaround to the other: there is no turnaround to the other. (There is no other person in the sentence.)
Find the turnaround “to the other” for each of these statements. The answers can be found at the bottom of this post.
1. Original statement: “He is too demanding of me.”
Turnaround to the other: ??
2. Original statement: “She should take my feelings into account.”
Turnaround to the other: ??
3. Original statement: “I want her to include me.”
Turnaround to the other: ??
4. Original statement: “I need him to say he loves me.”
Turnaround to the other: ??
5. Original statement: “He sits around too much.”
Turnaround to the other: ??
Scroll to the very bottom of this post to check your answers.
When you are doing your own work with statements of your own, you’ll also be looking to see if you can find examples of how each turnaround is true for you. This is how you can start to explore with the turnarounds.
You never know what hidden truths you may uncover. And you never know which turnarounds lead nowhere. It’s your world to explore.
If you want more practice with turnarounds, join The Work 101 course with me.
“You’ll also meet what Katie calls the “turnaround,” which is a way of looking at reversed versions of a statement that you believe.” Loving What Is
Visit The Work of Byron Katie page to learn what this method of self-inquiry is and how to do it.
1. Original statement: “He is too demanding of me.”
Turnaround to the other: “I am too demanding of him.”
2. Original statement: “She should take my feelings into account.”
Turnaround to the other: “I should take her feelings into account.”
3. Original statement: “I want her to include me.”
Turnaround to the other: “I want me to include her.”
4. Original statement: “I need him to say he loves me.”
Turnaround to the other: “I need me to say I love him.”
5. Original statement: “He sits around too much.”
Turnaround to the other: there is no turnaround to the other for this statement (There is no other person in the sentence.)
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This website represents Todd Smith’s personal understanding of The Work of Byron Katie. You may also want to visit the official website of The Work at thework.com.
