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I Should Be Feeling Happier, Is It True?

I remember the day I took this photo. The whole photo shoot was a high point for me. But did it last?

Here’s the Problem With Highs

A client summarized it well when she described her experience. She said that recently miracles have been happening for her, completely unexpected goodness coming her way. And while she felt incredibly grateful, she was bummed that she still felt sad inside.

This of course led to self-attack and a downward spiral.

So We Did The Work on “I Should Be Feeling Happier”

Ironically, when she believed this thought, she felt worse. She saw the miracles that had happened in the last couple of weeks, and she saw her sadness in spite of them. In addition to attacking herself for not feeling happier, she felt helpless to ever become happy. After all, if she can’t be happy when miracles happen, how can she ever be happy?

It sounded strangely similar to the way people chase after money, or fame. Like those super successful people who end up committing suicide because all the success never gave them happiness.

Without the Thought, “I Should Be Feeling Happier.”

Without this thought, the happiness of the miracles comes and goes just like any other happiness. It’s a highlight that is wonderful to behold, but which fades naturally like a shooting star.

Without this thought, she laughed when she said that she would just be sad. Just sad without the overlay of “I should be feeling happier.” It would be simple sadness, not compounded sadness on top of sadness.

She Must Have Found Twenty Turnaround Examples

The turnaround was, “I shouldn’t be feeling happier.”

And once it started getting clear, the examples came pouring in. I can’t remember them all, but the idea was very simple: highlights aren’t meant to change my life—they are just highlights.

She is an artist, and considered that if she painted only highlights there would be no contrast in her artwork. In fact, the highlights would not really be highlights in that context.

Happiness Is Not Meant to Last

It was fascinating to consider this. I could also find where my whole life has been focused on gaining more and more happiness. And even my spiritual practices have been aimed at an imagined state of enlightenment that is only happy.

But happiness comes and goes. Highs come and go. As does sadness and any low. That’s just the way life moves. It’s like the stock market. It goes up and down. A flat line would only mean it’s dead.

This Idea Takes the Pressure Off

It leaves life in a much simpler state. When miracles happen, I can enjoy them, be happy about them, but knowing that they are temporary. When they fade, there is no mistake. I am not wrong because I can’t hold the happiness forever.

It is just the natural swing of life. Seeing that, if sadness emerges, I can “enjoy” that too. My client immediately loved the idea of enjoying sadness: with big pillows, and Kleenex, and movies. But even sadness can’t last. Nothing can.

This permission to be sad when I’m sad, and happy when I’m happy is freedom. We ended the phone call with me wishing her well. “Enjoy your sadness!” I said. We laughed about it, and strangely there was a real joy in seeing it this way.

How About You?

Are you doing The Work to get rid of sadness? Or anger? Who would you be if you did The Work to love your sadness instead?

If you haven’t taken The Work 101 with me, the next course will start soon. See you there.

Have a great weekend,
Todd

“If we pursue it, it runs away. If we stop pursuing it and question our minds instead, the source of all stress disappears. Happiness is who we already are, once our minds are clear. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want. We’re happy with whatever life brings us. That’s enough, and more than enough.” Byron Katie, A Mind at Home with Itself