I am an All or Nothing Person
When I do something, I give it my all. If I can’t give it my all, I tend to stop it completely. This is all or nothing thinking. And it sometimes makes my life more stressful than it has to be.
For example, when we were moving and selling the stuff in our house in Jan, Feb, Mar, I was in “all” mode. I worked non-stop from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed. And I exhausted myself. I pushed harder than I really needed to push.
And when it was done, I crashed. I didn’t want to ever do anything again. I’m still coming out of that. It was a burn-out. When I’m in this mode, I resist finding the happy medium. Either I’m working without respite, or I’m never working again.
The Problem Is that Neither Is Satisfactory
I’ve been doing this my whole life.
Either I want to be “super successful” or I want to live in a cave. Either I want to have a perfect relationship, or I don’t want any relationships. Either I am enlightened, or I am 100% cynical. Either I fully identify with a group, or I want nothing to do with it.
There’s no in-between. No balance.
The Work Helps Me Find Balance
All or nothing thinking is often stressful for me. And I end up doing The Work on it from time to time. What I find is two opposing desires in all or nothing thinking:
I want to be successful.
I want to be rested.
I want to belong.
I want to be independent.
I want to be liked.
I want to be honest.
These Opposites Are at War in Me
So I sometimes question both sides. I question, “I want to be successful, is it true?” and I see if I can find a balance to that desire. And I question, “I want to be rested, is it true?” and I see if I can find a balance to that desire.
Each desire, one by one, can be questioned and balanced—just to take the urgency and the charge off of it. I may still pursue my desires, but after doing The Work on them, I often find that they become more gentle desires instead of burning desires.
And I often find, with a looser hold on my opposing desires, that there is often a way to fulfill both sides. That’s when the happy medium starts to open for me. I find ways to be successful enough and restful enough, belonging enough and independent enough, liked enough and honest enough.
Enough, for me is that balance point. It is a letting go of “getting all the way there.” It is the opposite of passion. Yet it is not dispassion either. It is somewhere in the middle.
Have a great week,
Todd
“Each thought had a question as its mate. This brought things back to their natural balance. Within that balance I was free.” Byron Katie, A Mind at Home with Itself
