What Is the Moment?
The stressful moment is the time right after the offense occurred. That’s when it hits you. And that’s when the stress begins. So, whenever possible before writing a worksheet, I like to identify what they did to hurt me (the offense) and the specific moment when they did it.
Identifying one moment may take some meditation. It is usually easier to find a specific moment with certain “slap” kinds of situations, but most situations have a moment, or a time zone, right after the offense occurred.
For me, part of writing a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet is finding the offense and the moment right after it, and holding these as I write.
Let’s Say Someone Literally Slapped Me
The offense is “they slapped me.” So line 1 of the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet is “I am shocked by them because they slapped me.”
The stressful moment is the moment right after they slapped me when my mind started taking it in. This is the moment I like to hold as I fill in lines 2-6 of a worksheet. I stand in that moment and look back at the offense that just happened. And I let my emotions speak from there.
Line 2: I want them to see what they did.
I want them to own it.
Line 3: They should see that it was done out of reaction.
They should consider what they were defending so strongly.
They should admit what they find to me.
Line 4: I need them to give me some space.
I need them to want to make it right.
I need them to apologize to me.
I need them to say they were wrong.
Line 5: They are out of control, violent.
Line 6: I don’t ever want them to slap me again.
Now Compare that to One Moment Earlier
Let’s say I was not writing from the moment right after the slap, but was writing from the moment before the slap. My thoughts would be quite different.
In fact, Line 1 would be different too: I am angry with them because they are not listening to me.
Line 2: I want them to listen to me.
Line 3: They should set aside their emotions.
They should not take it so personally.
They should give me space to talk.
Line 4: I need them respect me.
I need them to have an honest conversation with me.
Line 5: They are not listening, agitated, reactive.
Line 6: I don’t ever want them to not listen to me again.
Notice there is no mention of a slap here because the slap hasn’t happened yet.
These Are Each Valuable Worksheets
One focuses on the moment building up to the slap. And working through it allows me to find options when someone is not listening.
The other worksheet focuses on the moment after the slap. This is a very different moment, and a very different worksheet. Questioning the stressful thoughts in this moment allows me to find peace after a slap.
Each One Is a Different Surgery
Both are valuable.
I personally like to choose just one moment at a time and go deep with it.
Have a great weekend,
Todd
“Did you stay in the situation described in statement 1?” Byron Katie, A Mind at Home with Itself
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