I Don’t Feel Insecure about them Anymore
I’ve always worn my birthstones. But a recent addition of a choker strand of pearls got me feeling very self-conscious. I found myself hiding them. I found myself not wearing them with a T-shirt. I found myself worried about what others thought of them.
And it all came to a head when a 12-year-old girl asked me, “Why are you wearing a girl’s necklace?”
Boy did that trigger me. I was defensive. I wanted to escape. I felt shame. As if all my suspicions were confirmed.
So I Wrote a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on the Girl in that Situation
It went like this:
Line 1 (situation):
I am hurt by her because she is judging me.
Line 2 (wants):
I want her to understand why I wear my pearls.
I want her see that I also wear ruby and coral.
I want her to stop judging me.
Line 3 (shoulds):
She shouldn’t be so direct.
She should see these are my birthstones.
She should say, “Wow! These are awesome. Let me see.”
She shouldn’t look for a weak point to get a rise out of me.
She shouldn’t tease me.
Line 4 (needs):
I need her to approve of my pearls.
I need her to not think I’m cross dressing.
I need her to respect me.
Line 5 (judgments):
She is hurtful, judgmental, ignorant, right.
Line 6 (don’t ever want):
I don’t ever want to be judged for wearing my pearls again.
And I Worked it Over Two Weeks in Steady Pace Inquiry
What I found was that they are my birth stones. I like wearing my birth stones. Why wouldn’t I wear them? And the necklace was a gift from my partner. Another plus. And the jeweler told me he couldn’t combine them with my coral beads because the holes were different sizes. Once I owned my reasons for wearing them, I felt more secure.
Secondly, I realized that a girl of 12 is naturally thinking about the differences between the sexes. Not to mention that looks are everything in junior high school. She even commented on our Kleenex box which happens to have roses and red lips printed on it. She thought that was strange to have in a boy’s house. But I found through inquiry that just because she is in junior high, doesn’t mean I have to be!
And finally, I found that just because men in my culture don’t wear pearls does not make them feminine. Pearls have no sex at all. They are mineral. I was just buying into a culture bias. And the only reason I do that is because I want to be accepted. Without that thought, I can disassociate myself from the cultural norm and just be myself. Very freeing.
Now I Can Wear my pearls with a T-Shirt into a Machine Shop without Stress
It’s hard to describe the shift that happened for me without letting you read everything I wrote while working that worksheet. But the change was clear and dramatic. Now I don’t hesitate to wear my pearls.
I’ve been with people who I’m pretty sure were judging me for them, but it was no stress at all for me. Because I know why I wear them. And I just don’t get involved with whatever they may be thinking.
I understand where they may be coming from. I used to go there too. But that kind of thinking just doesn’t work for me anymore. So I don’t bother with it now. I love how this simple process of The Work works for me.
Have a great week,
Todd
“Notice how often you defend yourself (with words, actions, the way you dress, your tone of voice) and how stressful that can be. What impression—what “you”—are you trying to hide or strengthen? Whom are you trying to convince? What is the story of “you” that you perpetuate or want to perpetuate? What “you” would you be without this story?” Byron Katie, I Need Your Love, Is That True?
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