Question 3 is: “How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?”
Sub-questions for question 3 are:
All of the sub-questions, except for the first one, invite me to go into detail about how I react when I believe a thought. This is so I can really see the effect of believing that thought: I see related images, I feel emotions and sensations, I escape through addictions and obsessions, I treat myself and others poorly.
It can be fascinating to see all the ways I react when I am under the influence of a particular stressful thought in a particular situation. That’s what the sub-questions bring out.
The guideline for using these optional sub-questions in Byron Katie’s “Principles for Facilitators” is to “use the questions effectively and appropriately.” That, of course, is open to interpretation.
For me, it means not asking a sub-question when my client has already covered that sub-question on their own. When I ask something that they have already covered, it lets them know that I’m not really listening.
Appropriate use of sub-questions for me also means not asking every sub-question as if each sub-question were required. The Work is four questions and turnarounds, not nine questions and turnarounds. Sub-questions are just helpful options to support in answering question 3.
For someone who is new to The Work, sub-questions are very helpful because this person may not even know where to look for possible reactions to a thought.
But for those who are experienced in The Work, they are probably already naturally covering the sub-questions as they answer question 3. When I’m working with someone who is experienced in The Work, I often just ask the four questions with no sub-questions. Or maybe one or two sub-questions.
The ego likes to be special and different. It is not satisfied with just asking four questions. It likes to show off by asking unusual sub-questions and being very “helpful” for the client. But does the client need any help? And is facilitation really about the facilitator?
What if facilitation was just holding the space for the client to do their work? What if the facilitator was just on the sidelines, not out on the playing field?
If I’m the client and someone asks me what I think are “inappropriate” sub-questions, is my ego put out? If it stresses me, I may need to look at my rigid thoughts about facilitating. How am I using the “rules” of facilitation to stay in control?
What’s so wrong about someone asking me something I already covered? It either gives me a chance to answer it again, and maybe even find something more, or to thank them and let them know that I already answered that one.
If I get triggered by my facilitator, it’s an opportunity to do my work on that situation that arose in facilitation.
“Loving what is” means I can do my work no matter how I am facilitated.
Have a great weekend,
Todd
“In reading the dialogues in this book, it is important to understand that there is no essential difference between what the facilitator does (in these examples, it happens to be me) and what a person doing The Work alone does.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is
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