Question 4 Is Just a Small Step of Inquiry
Question 4 of The Work of Byron Katie is, “Who would you be without that thought?” It’s a simple question, but people sometimes make it difficult.
I was talking with a friend recently about question 4. She was working a worksheet about a stressful situation with her boyfriend. They were in public, and he was wandering aimlessly, which was slightly embarrassing to her. So she was questioning the thought, “He is wandering aimlessly.”
She had no problem answering questions 1-3. But when she got to question 4, she got frustrated. She couldn’t “just be without that thought.”
The Problem Comes From Expecting Yourself to Be Without The Thought
That’s kind of like saying, “Drop it!” Or, “Stop it!” I have no idea how to do that. I would if I could. Very frustrating.
But that is not what question 4 is asking. Question 4 is asking, “Who would you be without that thought?” The real you doesn’t have to drop anything. This is not about changing your mind. Or forcing you to stop believing a thought.
Question 4 is just a thought experiment. It’s like kids playing “make believe.”
It Goes Like This
“Who would you be without that thought?”
Translation: “Okay, let’s make believe you’re in that situation all over again. You see him walking around in the same exact way as before. Let’s pretend you don’t have the thought, ‘He’s walking around aimlessly.’ What would that be like? Who would you be watching him without that idea?”
This is purely hypothetical. We’re pretending. This has nothing to do with the real you at this moment. You are not being asked to jump from being attached to the thought to giving it up. Not at all. You’re not being asked to drop anything.
We’re just experimenting in order to see what is the effect of this thought on your experience. We want to know if there’s any difference without it. That’s all. We’re just gathering data.
The Problem Comes When You Put The Cart Before the Horse
Maybe you’ve done The Work in the past and found that you were able to let go of some stressful thoughts. And you remember how peaceful it was to let go of them.
And now that you’re doing The Work again, you want that peaceful feeling again. So you push it. You’re trying to create peace by forcing yourself to let go of the thought in question 4.
But you’re actually not doing The Work. You’re trying to jump to peace. This is the old way. This is like jumping to the turnarounds without doing the four questions. It’s too big of a leap.
But What About When Katie Says, “Drop the Probably”
Katie often says, “Drop the probably,” to clients answering question 4. For example, someone might answer to question 4, “I would probably be more peaceful.” When Katie says, “Drop the probably,” does that mean that pretending is not allowed? Is Katie saying, don’t be hypothetical in question 4?
No, Katie just wants her client to get as close to the experience as possible. It’s still a pretend situation. They’re pretending that the client is back in that situation again without the thought. It’s still purely hypothetical.
But Katie’s just saying, “Now that you’re in that pretend world, be there fully! Experience it fully! What is it like to walk around in that situation without the thought?”
Question 4 Is Easy Because It’s Easy to Pretend
The only reason it appears to be difficult is when you forget that it’s just a thought experiment. When you think the question means you have to “be there already,” that’s when the internal resistance starts.
The Work is not about taking away my beliefs. It’s about questioning them.
Have a great weekend,
Todd
“Question 4: Who would you be without the thought? This is a very powerful question. Picture yourself standing in the presence of the person you have written about when they aren’t doing what you think they should be doing, or when they’re doing what you think they shouldn’t be doing. Now, just for a minute or two, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine who you would be if you couldn’t think this thought. How would your life be different in the same situation without this thought? Keep your eyes closed and watch them without your story. What do you see? How do you feel about them without the story? Which do you prefer—with or without your story? Which feels kinder? Which feels more peaceful?” Byron Katie, Loving What Is
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