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Insights From Doing The Work On My First Crush

She loves me, she loves me not…

What I Love About The Work Is That You Can Do It On Anything

In Inquiry Circle recently, I wrote a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on my first crush in 4th grade. This was a big deal for me. I stayed smitten for about three years, and can still go there now after forty.

Here’s the situation that triggered me.

In class, in fourth grade. Mary Blair sat one seat ahead of me. When the teacher called on me, she would turn around and look at me while I answered. And sometimes smile at me. I felt so special.

And Here’s The Worksheet

Line 1. Situation:

I am in love with her because she is interested in me.

Line 2. Wants:

I want her to keep looking at me forever.
I want her to stay connected with me.
I want her to spend time with me.

Line 3. Shoulds:

I want to show up in another situation where we can talk.
She should give me a clue what to do next.

Line 4. Needs:

I need her to like me.
I need her to look at me again.
I need her to confirm that she loves me.

Line 5. Judgments:

She is beautiful, interested in me, my obsession.

Line 6. I don’t ever want…

I don’t ever want her to stop loving me.

That Sounds Sweet, But I Want To Be Free

So I started questioning everything on the worksheet. For example, “She is interested in me, is that true?” It seems true, but I can’t absolutely know for sure. We never actually talked in all those years, other than a chance hello in the hallways.

So how do I react when I believe she’s interested in me? I’m flattered. I blush. I feel a mix of fear in my stomach and sweetness in my chest. And I try to hold onto this good feeling. I continually think of her outside of that situation. I daydream about meeting up with her “by chance.”

And I keep feeding the image of her to myself over and over obsessively. I created a nice little feedback loop, a button I could push, to feel high any time I wanted. My memories actually are of me being high on my bike, high on the bus, high at my desk at home. She had nothing to do with it.

This Is What Really Shocked Me

I was really just interested in my high.

I cared about my inner experience more than I cared to interact with her (which might blow my whole story if I found out she wasn’t really interested in me).

That high was my baby. I would do anything, including doing nothing, to protect it.

In fact, I used my own doubt, that she might not be interested in me, as a way to keep my high going too. Indeed, the idea that she was not interested in me was an essential part of the formula that kept me high. I got to stay half in, half out. That’s where the excitement was. I was a master at holding that limbo state.

And when I looked more closely through inquiry, I found that I wasn’t even that interested in her. If she hadn’t payed attention to me, I would have never even noticed her among my classmates. I was literally using her to flatter myself. It was all about me dripping my own drug.

It Shows Me So Clearly That I’m An Addict

I’ve never done drugs. I’ve never drunk alcohol, smoked, gambled, etc. But I’m as much of an addict as any drug user.

My drug of choice was to take this sweet moment and to play it over and over in my mind until a groove was worn so deep that I all I needed was one thought of her to keep it running. Even today, if I notice someone seems interested in me, I can easily start running the crush cycle in my mind, which has its roots in this original crush.

What’s most interesting about this behavior for me is that it all takes place on the fantasy/thinking level within me. I can keep it going forever when I keep my distance from reality – just close my eyes and fantasize!

And what I’m finding through my work is that coming back to reality is the cure. Experiencing real life, as opposed to living in my runaway fantasy world, gives me a grounded, peaceful feeling, not the high of addiction. And this is becoming my preference.

As one of the people in my small group in Inquiry Circle wrote, “Falling in love just seems to be a weird thing to do when grounded.”

Have a great week,
Todd

“When you look back on that first crush, it’s possible to see that the girl you adored had nothing to do with it. Years later you can run into her again, stare at her all you want, and not have a clue what you saw there. You would have done anything to marry her, and now you’re grateful that she never noticed you. If the love isn’t coming from the other person, whom does that leave? There’s only one person left: you. You gave yourself the experience. The blissful feeling was not caused by how wonderful or sexy your best friend’s girlfriend was. It was you who felt the wonder and the excitement. Someone held up a mirror and showed you your heart.” Byron Katie, I Need Your Love, Is That True?

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Todd Smith has been doing The Work of Byron Katie on an almost daily basis since 2007. He is just as excited about this simple process of self-inquiry today as he was when he first came across it. He also enjoys writing about The Work, and training others in the subtleties of this meditative process. Join Todd for The Work 101 online course, private sessions, virtual retreats, and his ongoing Inquiry Circle group.