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How To Make Amends When You Can’t Make Amends

River Rocks
When the water is flowing fast, it’s not always possible to go back upstream.

Sometimes Making Amends Is Challenging

Several things can get in the way of making a direct amends. First of all, the person may be dead. Secondly, there are times when making amends could cause harm by bringing out new hurtful information, or by opening a healing wound.

These are times when making a direct amends may not be possible, or advisable. In fact, one of the main guidelines in making amends is to not make amends if it will cause harm.

For example, if you had an affair with someone and the spouse didn’t know. Making amends could end up outing the whole thing and causing even greater harm.

But The Need For Amends Is Still There

Amends are always for me. If I did something wrong, I need to make it right for my own peace of mind.

So what do you do when you can’t make direct amends?

Here Are Some Options To Explore

1. Make amends to yourself first and foremost. Find all the ways you hurt yourself by doing what you did. Write down what it cost you. And find ways to pay it back to yourself. Making it right to yourself is a great first step.

2. If the person is dead, or out of contact, try writing an amends letter to that person as if they were alive and read it to them mentally. This can be a powerful way of making amends when it’s impossible to connect with someone, or when it is unsafe to connect with them, or when connecting with them would open up old wounds that are bigger than either of you can handle. Making amends like this can go a long way towards bringing back your peace.

3. Make amends by paying it forward. Maybe you can’t make it right with the person you hurt, but how can you pay it forward to others? For example, in the case of the affair above, one way to help make it right would be to not get involved with any new affairs. Another way would be by supporting others who are having marital difficulties, or who are going through the aftermath of an affair. There is no end of ways you can serve others to make it right for yourself.

But Don’t Avoid Direct Amends Either

Sometimes there is no reason not to make a direct amends to someone. If this is the case, using the options above would not be the most powerful way to make it right for yourself. Making a direct amends to someone, not just an apology, but actually doing what it takes to make it right, can be extremely satisfying and relieving.

Have a great week,
Todd

“When I wanted to move even faster and more freely, I found that apologizing and making heartfelt amends was a wonderful shortcut.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is

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Todd Smith has been doing The Work of Byron Katie on an almost daily basis since 2007. He is just as excited about this simple process of self-inquiry today as he was when he first came across it. He also enjoys writing about The Work, and training others in the subtleties of this meditative process. Join Todd for The Work 101 online course, private sessions, virtual retreats, and his ongoing Inquiry Circle group.