Here’s a Situation for Inquiry
Recently, a participant in The Daily Worksheet came up with an interesting situation for inquiry. Here’s what she writes.
“I’m at this coffee shop, working on my computer. This couple, not sure if they’re a couple, is sitting facing me. I catch the boyfriend looking at me 4-5 times and I’m doing the same. I’m hooked.
“I can’t stop looking even though I feel like crap for doing it. I want something from him.
“I am excited with this guy because he is giving me power. He is making me feel like a million bucks. He’s making me feel like I’m worth something and like I have value.”
And she continued to write a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on this very specific situation.
Here’s What She Questioned
From line 1 of her worksheet, she questioned the thought, “He is giving me power.”
And Here’s what she Found through Inquiry
Is that true?
“Yes.”
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
“No, I’m not sure.”
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
“I feel like my head is really big, ego really inflated. I feel powerful, better than everyone in the room, I feel almighty! I forget about the work that I’m doing and am totally focused on this pleasurable feeling of getting power from an outside source.
“I try to be sexy and make faces and move in ways that would please him. I’m super self-conscious, it’s like I exist only for him and his eyes in this moment. I feel dehumanized. Super stressed. I want him to like me, I have this idea of perfection in my mind and I want him (me) to keep believing it.
“I’m terrified of disappointing him by, let’s say, my voice if I answer the phone, or my body if I have to get up and go to the bathroom. It’s like I am paralyzed and want to be perfect for him and the ideal that I think he is making in his head about me….phew….this is exhausting and I’m totally disconnected from me, I become just a body and a face and a fantasy to him and to me.”
Who would you be without that thought?
“I’d smile like I would to anyone looking at me, like a girl. I mean, the awkwardness comes from me catching someone else’s eyes and looking away quickly, no matter who it is. but when it’s a man I begin to go into all sorts of fantasies about what it means!
“I’d just give a quick smile, like ‘Hey, fellow human, I notice you’re cute, and yes your girlfriend is too, cute couple.” End of story. Gratitude for beautiful man, and same gratitude for the old woman sitting next to me.
“Just me observing people in coffee shop and watching my observations about them ”cute, handsome, nice hair, oh she looks so sweet, etc etc.” I wouldn’t have to make this big story about what it means.”
Turnaround to the Self
I am giving me power.
Examples:
1. I make this huge inflated ego story about how he wants me and how desirable I am. I give my ego power in that moment. For all I know I remind him of his sister, or he just caught me staring and is curious
2. By suspecting that every man or woman that is looking at me has ideas about me, I’m giving power to me, feeding the identity of ”I’m attractive”
3. I’m giving my ego power when I let those fantasies take over instead of being with my thoughts about what I really think about myself. I use this fantasy as escapism of what I believe myself to be. With these fantasies, I escape my own inquiry. I avoid myself and I give my ego power.
Turnaround to the Other
I’m giving HIM power.
Examples:
1. I want something from him. So I look at him 3-4 times. I use him to my satisfaction.
2. By believing that he could save me, give me value, see me, etc, I’m giving him lots of power and very little to myself.
3. When all he did was just look, I give him all the power in the world like, ”Here, you do It. Make me feel special because I certainly can’t give that to me.” I’m putting huge responsibility on him.
Turnaround to the Other
He is NOT giving me power.
Examples:
1. All this fantasizing and side trip into illusion is exhausting and I’d prefer not to be going through it.
2. I actually feel weak, paralyzed, stupid, not myself and uber self-conscious when that happens. I’m not powerful at all, I feel weak and disconnected.
3. He’s not doing it, I am, with my mind and thoughts.
How about You?
Do you go into fantasies as well? If you notice any stress mixed in with the high, it’s a great opportunity to write down your stressful thoughts and question them. Just like we do every day in Inquiry Circle.
Have a great week,
Todd
“When you look back on that first crush, it’s possible to see that the girl you adored had nothing to do with it. Years later you can run into her again, stare at her all you want, and not have a clue what you saw there.” — Byron Katie, I Need Your Love–Is That True?, p. 63.
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