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What Is the Point of Making Amends?

Are flowers enough when it comes to making your amends?

Why Are Amends Suggested?

Often when doing The Work Katie will suggest that someone make amends. Why is that? What purpose does it serve?

Yes, amends are kind and polite, but why is it important after already seeing our part in the judgments and unkindness we were thinking?

The Short Version Is That Amends Are for Us

My amends may or may not be helpful to the other person but, if I do them with integrity, they are helpful for me.

They allow me to hear myself unambiguously, with a witness, admitting that I was hurtful and don’t really want to be that way. It often really gets through to my tricky ego when I do this. It’s hard for my ego to play tricks when everything is exposed to the light. That’s why a public declaration is often powerful for me.

So the bottom line is that I do amends so that I can hear myself publicly say what I mean. It brings out my new understanding into the “real” world for me and everyone to see. Then the ego can’t cover it up anymore, or keep playing the same old game.

But It Has to Be Authentic

That’s why amends are further down the priority list for me than doing The Work.

First priority for me is seeing clearly the other side of the story. Seeing my part, and often seeing what a misunderstanding the whole thing was. That’s what The Work does for me. It gets me clearer on the whole situation. It gets me out of that victim place, from which it is very difficult to find authentic amends.

But once I move beyond my victim story, my mind and heart open up, and making amends is natural and even, in many cases, spontaneous. Once I see my part through The Work, my behavior naturally shifts. I become kinder automatically. And that’s the most common way I “make amends” without formally sitting down and saying, “I apologize.”

But Sometimes a More Formal Amends Is Necessary

Sometimes it becomes apparent that I need to do something to make things right. Maybe I stole something, or maybe I stopped talking with a family member. To make it right, I may feel the need to speak to that person and apologize. And it can be very powerful to do so.

However, just apologizing, without the internal shift that comes from seeing things differently (through The Work or other inquiry) never accomplishes much. I know people who have gone around apologizing and apologizing as part of their “spiritual process” and have gotten no freedom, only more confusion for themselves and others.

That’s because words are not the same as amends. True amends is an internal shift. And sometimes it feels right to communicate that shift, but ultimately our actions will show what we still believe.

Which leads us back to questioning what we believe. That alone could keep us busy for a while.

Amends Should Not Create More Harm

One concept that is very important in making amends is not to make amends if to do so would cause more harm.

For example, say you cheated on someone’s spouse. Going to that spouse and telling them the whole story could end up causing more harm than simply allowing your own internal shift to settle into your way of life.

You can then use what are sometimes called “living amends” to make it right. You could be the champion of open communication for others who come to you asking advice about having an affair. Or you could serve in some way that would help married couples work it out. And you could make amends to your own spouse, and move your attention back to the relationship you are in.

You’ll Know the Difference

If you ask yourself, you’ll know the difference when amends are just for you silently changing your behavior, and when saying or doing something concrete is warranted.

But if I insulted someone only in my head, I usually don’t run to them telling them. First of all it could be hurtful (they will probably just remember the insult part). And second of all, it is not necessary. My amends could simply be to start treating them in the opposite way that I was treating them before.

And yet, if you ask yourself, you may also find that to speak it out may be your path. Only you can find your way.

Have a great week,
Todd

“Self-realization is not complete until it lives as action. Live the turnarounds. When you see how you have been preaching to others, go back and make amends, and let them know how difficult it is for you to do what you wanted them to do.” — Byron Katie, Loving What Is, pp. 98-102.

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Todd Smith has been doing The Work of Byron Katie on an almost daily basis since 2007. He is just as excited about this simple process of self-inquiry today as he was when he first came across it. He also enjoys writing about The Work, and training others in the subtleties of this meditative process. Join Todd for The Work 101 online course, private sessions, virtual retreats, and his ongoing Inquiry Circle group.