Why Does It Always Have To Be My Fault?

This is a common complaint I get from people who are new to The Work, “Why does it always have to be my fault?”

You are already feeling bad. And then The Work goes and makes you wrong on top of it! This is not good.

Katie herself says, “The Work is checkmate.” That means you lose every time. Isn’t that a bit like adding insult to injury? Why would we do something like this to ourselves? Are we masochists?

Actually No

We are not masochists when we do The Work. In fact, the most common thing clients report after doing The Work is that they feel better, like a weight has been lifted. People report an inner sense of freedom.

So what’s going on here?

Why Does Losing Feel So Good?

Losing feels good when we are losing something painful. Imagine you are holding onto a burning ember in your bare hands. If you think you win only if you keep on holding onto it, then you keep on hurting. But if you lose the idea that you have to hold onto it, you may lose the game you were playing, but you gain a sense of relief.

That’s exactly what The Work does. It gets you to question the games you are playing. And you may find that winning becomes less important when you see the cost it has in terms of pain. That’s why people who do The Work like to lose. They like to lose their stressful beliefs.

But That’s Not Exactly The Same As Making It My Fault

True. Winning and losing is just a part of it. The other side is that The Work brings responsibility. It brings responsibility back to us. It asks us to consider if we’re actually the ones causing the pain. When you inquire, you may find that no one can hurt you, other than you, yourself.

If this sounds like bad news, consider this. If someone else is the cause of your pain, you are forced to play the hopeless role of a victim. But if you are the cause of your pain, then there is some hope that you might actually be able to stop it.

If You Find You Are The Cause Of Your Pain, You Are In Control Again

It may sound pretty disagreeable to accept being the one at fault. But there is a very powerful good side to it. When you see your part in it, you can’t help but stop it.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to stop doing something that hurts. But when we are believing that we are not at fault, we are blind to how we are hurting ourselves. We think they are doing it to us. As soon as we see it, we drop the hot coal. No decision necessary.

This Is What The Work Brings To The Table

It’s not about making you wrong. It’s not about guilt or groveling. The Work is about finding your part, and noticing how empowering it is to find it. As I like to say, “It takes two tango, but it only takes one to stop the dance.”

Personally, I’d rather discover that my pain is my fault than believe that it is someone else’s fault, over whom I have no control. When I take full responsibility for my happiness, I can be free to move anywhere, and deal with anything that comes my way.

This is why I love finding where it’s my fault.