What’s the Difference Between the Trigger and the Offense?
Focus Is a Factor When Writing a Worksheet
As you know, there are many ways to fill in a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. And each way serves a different purpose.
Sometimes, I write a worksheet about a person in general that I haven’t forgiven. Going global like this gives me a perspective that narrowing down to a specific situation does not. I find this very helpful.
Other times, I write a very angry Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet, where I rant and rave and swear. It is so helpful to write a worksheet like this, rather than a controlled hyper-focused worksheet.
But sometimes, I do rely on the skills of my craft, just like when I’m photographing a flower. Often I find it very helpful to write a very focused Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet that goes deeply into one particular stressful moment and revolves around one particular offense.
In these worksheets, my focus is so sharp that I’m literally going one inch wide and one mile deep. I see things by focusing in this way that I don’t see when I write general worksheets, or purely ranting worksheets.
Writing a Focused Worksheet Is a Skill
And it’s a skill well worth developing. You can take great photos without ever learning photography. But you’ll have many more options, and you’ll be able to take consistently better photos if you master the skills of photography.
The same is true for The Work. There are some skills worth learning. One of these is the skill of writing a very focused Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet.
What Exactly Am I Focusing On?
The process of writing a focused Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet is a process of narrowing down. The starting point is a stressful emotion. That’s the alarm clock saying, “Hey! It’s time to do The Work!”
If I listen to the emotion, it will lead me to something that is bothering me. Someone or something upset me. Something triggered my emotional reaction. What was that? Who was that? Where and when was that?
It takes some time to start narrowing it down from the emotion to the specific moment and situation that triggered me. It’s a process of listening, meditating, noticing.
Once I Find What Triggered Me, I Can Look Deeper
The trigger moment is a specific situation. I remember where I was, where I was standing, what was going on. I remember who was there, what they said, and how I felt. This already is very focused.
But within the trigger moment, lies an offense.
My Friend Patrie Grace Explained This Beautifully Recently
Patrie is a very experienced certified facilitator of The Work. She gives the following example.
“I am with my daughter, grandchildren and son in law. I have just made dinner for all of us. We are in their eating area on Sunday evening. My daughter asks him to do the dishes as she leaves for an EMT shift. He says (getting up from the table, loudly and grumbling to my mind), ‘Why do I have to do everything around here?’
“His voice saying ‘Why do I have to do everything around here?’ is my trigger.
“‘He doesn’t appreciate me,’ is the offense.
“Line 1 of my Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet is: ‘I am angry with Timmy because he doesn’t appreciate me.'”
The Offense Is What Really Bothers Me
As I narrow down from my emotion, to a specific situation, to the offender, to the offense, I get clearer and clearer about what was upsetting me. When I write a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on what was really bothering me, then what I write is very relevant to me.
And doing The Work on these very relevant statements tends to touch me deeply. That’s the value of really focusing in on one offense when writing a worksheet.
Have a great week,
“Whenever we experience a stressful feeling—anything from mild discomfort to intense sorrow, rage, or despair—we can be certain that there is a specific thought causing our reaction, whether or not we are conscious of it.” Byron Katie, Loving What Is
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